Single Parent Leadership
January 22, 2010
Single parents can provide the needed leadership in their homes. The single parent home seems to come up a lot as an overwhelming problem that we can’t expect single parents to overcome in terms of raising productive children. I disagree, and suggest this is not a correct assumption nor is it the expectation we should give young parents. On the contrary, I don’t think single parents and the power they have to raise healthy, respectful and obedient children is given enough credit. I understand the hardships of being brought up in a single parent home, as well as, being a single parent, having personally experienced both. Single parenting is tough. You are the bread winner, disciplinarian, cook, chauffer, cheerleader and everything else. And in the case of single moms, we are sometimes given the impression that they don’t stand a chance in raising their kids without a father in a tough neighborhood filled with drugs, gangs and violence. Much is made about the fact that fathers have neglected their responsibility and their abandonment leaves their children with almost no hope of living a life free of delinquency. But, while it is true that not having a father figure in the home can increase the odds of delinquency, it does not mean that mom can’t do the job of raising good children alone.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting that the father is not needed or important. A responsible, caring, and dependable father is very important. But if women and children are left solely to depend upon the father for their survival and emotional healthiness, then we might be worse off than we thought. The fact is, whether the father is in the home or not, the mother is usually the one carrying the load of child rearing anyway and in most cases doing a pretty good job. For example, a lot of attention has been given to the issue of youth street gangs and the claim by some studies that their numbers and influence are growing in America. However, two very important and overlooked statistics regarding youth who join gangs are the following:
“Law enforcement estimates of nationwide juvenile gang membership suggest that no more than 1% of all youth ages 10-17 are gang members.” (Office of Justice and Juvenile Delinquency Prevention 2006)
“The best estimate of general U.S. youth gang prevalence is 5% ever-joined, 2% current gang members…the strongest message in this research is that…most youth – 7 or 8 out of 10 – do not join gangs through adolescence.” (Klein, Maxson – “Street Gang Patterns and Policies” 2006)
Reports by law enforcement and the media would have us believe that gangs and gang members are out of control. But according to these studies and statistics, 97-98% of youth ages 10-17 are not gang members, and only 5% of youth in America have ever joined a gang. And 8 out of 10 youth in America never join a gang. According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2005, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in August, 2007, there are approximately 13.6 million single parents in the United States today, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.2 million children and 84% of those parents are mothers. It seems to me that single parents for the most part are doing OK.
Of course others will bring up the fact of how many youth from single parent homes commit crimes and are locked up in jail or prison costing tax payers millions of dollars. And others might point to other problems kids get into besides gangs that also come from single parent homes. Be that as it may, my point is that not enough attention or credit is given to the vast majority of single parents whose children are not living a negative lifestyle and have gotten along just fine. This is important and I hope if you are a single parent or teen parent not married and living at home, that you will take heart and be encouraged to know that it is possible for you and your children to escape the negative statistics and live a safe, happy and prosperous life.
Perhaps you have recently separated from your spouse or been divorced and are feeling guilty about the ramifications your decision will have on your children. Or worse yet, maybe you have suffered losing your spouse to a sudden tragic death. Make no mistake about it, it will be hard and difficult as a single parent, but it by no means is the end of your life and do not believe those who tell you that your children’s lives are destined to be destroyed.
Highland Park is a little town about ten minutes northeast of downtown Los Angeles and home to some of the oldest L.A. neighborhood gangs, whose reputation for murder, drugs and youth violence unfortunately continues to grow. That is where my single mom raised her five children. When I wasn’t playing in the streets or at school, I hung out at the local park (that still remains the hang out of the same local gang) with my brother and friends, where we played games, got into mischief, and at the same time, honed our athletic skills. Like most barrios, it was nearly impossible not to be a part of the gang that we all indentified with. I know if it had not been for my mother and my natural athletic ability, I would have completely committed to the gang and ended up like so many others did; as school drop outs with no education, a low paying job, locked up or dead. The sad part about this (and it is still true today) is that most of the kids I am speaking of here, also had talent and great potential as well. Thus, this begs the question; what made the difference between me and my brother and them? Why did we escape and go on to a successful life in leadership? I believe part of the answer was because of the discipline, love and commitment of our mother who chose to be involved in our life as the priority of her life. This also includes the involvement of our extended family that my mother made sure we respected and valued. But it was by no means easy for her or us. It was a road filled with all the typical obstacles of living in poverty that my brother and I often tripped over, but somehow got back up and kept moving forward.
My mother is an incredible person and of this writing still living strong in the same barrio at the age of ninety-two! I could probably write a whole book on just her alone as the “Hero of Hardship” role model she has been to our whole family, including grandchildren and great grandchildren. A great amount of all that I have accomplished as a leader I owe to my mother. But, the point is that my mother is but one of many examples that prove that single moms can do a good job of raising their children in the midst of a tough neighborhood (And this was back in the day when there was not nearly as much help or community programs like there are today lending assistance to single parents in similar circumstances.) Some mothers feel like they can’t give their sons the same inner satisfaction or character that a father can give his son (Or vice-versa in the case of a single father with daughters). And perhaps there is some truth to that in some aspects of growing up. Yet, on the other hand, my brother and I can testify to the fact that our “single-mom” more than filled the place of our absent father and gave us the character we needed to eventually become the men, fathers and community leaders we are today.
So – for all you single parents out there – take heart, and know that your example, your hard work, time commitments and financial sacrifices are making a difference in your children and one day very soon you will reap the fruit of your love and leadership.
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