How to Overcome the Fear Of Failure
March 4, 2010
How to Overcome Voices from Our Past
Leadership is influence. It is the ability to move people in a desired direction or influence them to join your cause or follow your example regardless of your position in a company or the community. And one of the places potential leaders need an example to follow is in the ability to defeat negative thinking and overcome the fear of failure – or what I call “voices from our past”.
I have known many Latinos who had all the talent, ability, and savvy to achieve great things and become great leaders, except for one thing. They did not have the capacity to overcome negative voices from the past that play like a broken record inside their head. Talk about “those oldies but goodies”! Remember your older sister playing that one 45 single on the record player with the arm pulled out to the side so it would play over and over and over again (You would have to be my age to know what I’m talking about here – sorry young people there were no Ipod’s back in the day)? And if you hear that song today you would know the words by heart. That is exactly what I’m talking about here with “voices from our past”. Those negative words we heard from someone or from somewhere that keep playing in our heads. Like a record on repeat, they just keep playing in our minds over and over and keep us from realizing our full potential. Remember when we were kids and we learned the school yard rhyme, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, well nothing could be further from the truth. Words have power and repeated often enough we tend to believe them (whether for good or bad) and live them.
How many people do you know who are so talented, so intelligent, so well liked, yet for some reason they just never seem to take their life to that next level? Perhaps, you are an athlete and you have played in the gym or park with some of the best talent and skill to be found anywhere in the country, but somehow that talent never finds itself performing under the lights of the big time. You know it is not a matter of ability, but rather a matter of something missing within. Or maybe you have listened to the soothing sound of that skilled musician who just can’t seem to put it all together and sign that record deal. What about the guy who could draw your face perfectly with a simple pencil on a scratch pad without even thinking about it, the only problem is he draws it from his prison cell. Or the girl in your class that was so smart in math she could figure out the answers in her head before you could write down the problem. But today she works a low paying job from nine to five and parties all weekend with the homies. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with working nine to five (or having any job for that matter), but somehow we expected more. We all know people like that. When we try to encourage them that they are capable of more, voices from the past (like the record, “It’s too late baby, now it’s too late, though we really did try to make it” a 70’s song by Carol King) start playing in their mind. But it is never too late to change our life and it all starts with replacing our past negative voices with a positive voice and thoughts that affirm our true potential. In this article I will address just one of those inner voices that play like a broken record “skipping” in our minds that we need to overcome and replace with the right voice.
The Voice of Fear
Until we become aware of how these negative past voices affect us and learn how to defeat them, they can hinder our full capacity to achieve great things. One of the biggest and most common mental hurdles created by our past negative voices is the fear of failure. Negative past voices create a deep-seated mistrust of self. Although we might accomplish good things here and there, these voices cause us to doubt and fear that we can sustain those achievements day after day, year after year, as a normal part of our life. Our inner dialogue and thoughts are filled with “but what if’” or “maybe I shouldn’t try that”, or “I probably won’t win anyway”, “I don’t think I can”, and all the other excuses we make to talk ourselves out of greatness. In other words, we have developed a fear of failure. I endured this very struggle for years before I learned how to accept who I really was, and achieve my purpose in life.
It was fun playing ball in the park little leagues. At that level there was never very much pressure to perform and win and I just let my natural instincts and abilities take over. Being an All-Star at that level was easily achieved and winning was pretty much the norm. But junior high and high school were a different experience and something I was really not prepared for. Of course I did not realize any of this at that time, but as I look back I can clearly see how the fear of failure definitely stunted my natural ability to perform at my peak potential. Physically I had good size and above average skill. But, as is much more commonly known today, physical athletic ability is only part of what’s needed if one is going to continue to succeed and excel in athletic competition. One’s mental capacity must also be developed. A certain mind-set of self confidence is needed and that was something I was lacking. Although I was voted as the seventh grade athlete of the year in junior high and selected as an All-League player (sort of like an All-Star honor in high school) at the Varsity level in Baseball, Football and Basketball, I don’t believe I achieved “greatness”, or as much as I could have had I understood and been taught the importance of developing my mind to overcome the inward voices of fear and failure. Allow me to explain.
Quarterback was my natural position in football, but the extent of my experience was flag football in the after school sports programs in junior high and playing in the local park leagues (other than playing in the streets at home). Nevertheless, I had a good arm and the other leadership abilities a quarterback needs to run the team, so when I got to high school I tried out for quarterback on what was then called the “B” team (sophomore team). I made the team and was the starting quarterback in every game. The following year I moved up to the Varsity and began the season as the starting quarterback as a junior. However, my performance was inconsistent and our team was not doing as well as it had the previous year. Our school (Franklin High) and football team had a reputation for winning and we were the defending league champions. After just three games I was benched and did not play quarterback for the rest of the year. The following year as a senior, I decided not to play quarterback. I told the coach that I thought I could play other positions and I ended up being a first string defensive back and second string running back. But that is not the real story. The real story, the truth of the matter was that I was afraid to fail again. The guy who had replaced me was a good player. He was also a returning senior and I was expected to compete with him for the starting position. At least that’s what everybody took for granted. And although he was a good player, he certainly did not possess any more talent than I had. My problem was that internally, in my mind, I was hearing and listening to that broken record, “what if you try and fail again”? The thought of giving it my best shot and failing to win the starting position again was too much to handle. It had been embarrassing enough being benched and I just could not face the possibility of losing my position again. My friends encouraged me, my coaches encouraged me, but they did not know, understand or address the one thing that was holding me back – fear of failure. I took the easy road and just said I didn’t care about playing quarterback anymore, which was a total lie. I knew I was a good enough athlete to make the team and play, but I settled for second best and cheating myself out of reaching my full potential at the position I knew I really wanted and could’ve excelled at. We won the championship and had our third undefeated season in a row. But deep inside I always regretted my decision to give up and not compete for the position I knew I was best at. I was angry with myself for giving up without a fight.
As I stated earlier, it took me quite awhile to learn this lesson and overcome that voice of fear, but I have overcome it and so can you. Don’t short change yourself by giving in to that old broken record of fear that tells you not to try and that you are wasting your time if you do. Great leaders are not great because they have had everything handed to them on a silver platter. Rather, they are great because they have faced their battles head on and did not quit until they won.
In his book, The Success Principles, How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, Jack Canfield shares; “Research indicates that the average person – that means you – talks to himself or herself about 50,000 times a day. And most of that self talk is about yourself, and according to the psychologist researchers, it is 80% negative – things such as; “They don’t like me”, “I’m never going to be able to pull this off”, “That other team is going to kill us”, “I’m always late”, “I can’t seem to ever get organized.” Psychiatrist, Daniel Amen has named the battle of negative thoughts in our minds as ANTS = Automatic Negative Thoughts. This is a good metaphor because we all know what to do when ANTS show up in our home or picnic – STOMP/KILL THEM!”
How to Kill the ANTS of fear in our minds:
1. As a potential great leader, I suggest you take a few minutes to consider if you struggle as I did with this negative voice of the fear of failure. Don’t be afraid to face it. Don’t be afraid to call it what it is. That is the first step to defeating it. Acknowledge your fear to fail and then consider what that voice of fear may be robbing you of; a better grade, a better position, a better girl friend/boy friend/spouse, a better job and prosperous career. Next, consider where these messages may have originated from (Parents, relatives, teachers, friends, etc.),
2. Work to become and expert “thought catcher” and “thought changer” – This is accomplished by making the conscious effort to think about our thinking about ourselves and replacing the negative, fearful thoughts with positive, affirming thoughts.
3. Practice killing those ANTS on a regular basis. This takes practice, persistence and patience, but eventually you will overcome them.
Example:
Catch the thought, “Why are you going to waste your time trying when you know you’re not going to make it?” – And change it with, “I can do this, I am good at this and I know I will succeed if I give it my best effort and not give up.”
Remember – our personal growth as a leader is not for our benefit, but also to be an example that others can follow to improve their professional and personal lives. Next month we will discuss overcoming the voice of PRIDE.
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